After my birth father and my mother divorced, she remarried a man who adopted me and raised me. He was a good father and I loved him very much. When I was a senior in high school my parents divorced and both remarried. My dad never stopped being a dad. He had two children with his new wife which are the same age as my children. I do not want to take away from the great father he was but somewhere in my relationship with him, I started a quest for his approval and I never felt like I was able to earn it. Maybe I learned it when my dad made me run around the house when I was in fifth grade as he counted the laps because he didn't want a fat daughter. Or maybe it was the time I had to take golf lessons and become good enough before I could go on the golf course with him. I don’t think he meant these things to come across as they did, but they did. Yet because of these moments, I developed a mentality to strive for perfection in order for others to love me. I have done this with my husband and others but have had to learn that he still loves me when I am not perfect. I still catch myself panicking if I think he is disappointed with me. I have also struggled to not do the same thing with God. I strive for perfection which I can never reach and I am stupid for trying. When I sin, I feel this huge wave of shame for disappointing God. I want to hide my sin so that God does not have to be disappointed in me. It is all such an out of control cycle.
Once again, I have to come to learn discipline in not transferring my feelings from my earthly father to my Heavenly father. God knows me inside and out. He knows every thought in my head and every sin I commit. I can’t run from Him; I can’t hide anything. The great thing is that since God knew all my sins before I committed them, He is not disappointed in me or surprised. I need to stop relying on my works to earn love from God. I need to have a heart that stays devoted to Him; that is what pleases Him.
Have you ever felt you needed to earn love? Have you worked to be perfect? Have you tried to hide your sin from God? It is time to stop! Walking with God is simple; love Him with your whole heart, mind, and soul. Do that and you can give up the pressure of trying to achieve something you can never do and then you will discover peace and freedom as you seek Him alone!
Jesus replied: "Love the Lord you God with all your hear and with all your soul and with all your mind." This is he first and greatest commandment.
Matthew: 37-38
1 comment:
Everyone wants to be loved. I know there have been times in my life when I have felt I had to earn someones love. As an only child I did feel I had to be perfect...Tonya I know you understand this.
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